So my apologies in advance, I fear this post will be a rambling one. Feel free to click away now as I am about to begin some major brain dumping. It may not be terribly coherent.
I have been struggling a bit lately. I say a bit. Really quite a lot. My anxiety levels have been soaring and my mood so up, then so down, it’s like the worst roller-coaster that I can’t seem to make stop. And the feeling that I should be able to stop it only makes it worse. That’s the real kicker. But hey ho, a little extra guilt mixed in with all the angst won’t really matter.
I understand the science behind where I am and what I’m going through. I know that my serotonin levels are seriously off balance and have taken all the appropriate steps to rectify this. It’s just not working yet. I am still on the roller-coaster and I really, really want to get off.
I am just feeling too much at the moment. I mean really feeling things. Is that possible? Do some people feel more than others? Is it possible to feel too much? Mr B last night professed to be the opposite and said he doesn’t feel things enough. This isn’t true. I see his compassion every day. I know his refusal to watch the news is often because he finds it just too upsetting.
He thinks I should stop watching too. Maybe that is the answer. After the Paris attacks I was so affected I couldn’t buy a paper for days. I just couldn’t bear to see their faces, to imagine their fear. But not buying the paper still didn’t stop me feeling it.
I have also read some of the most incredible writing lately, some in book and some in blog form. Some heartbreakingly beautiful writing, literally, my heart breaks reading it. Stories of things long past that, although I wish had never happened, really have nothing to do with me and I cannot possibly alter. But I feel it.
And it’s not that I want to stop feeling altogether.
I just want to stop feeling like this.
Like my heart is broken and there is absolutely no reason why.
None at all.
And christ, all this self pity is utterly nauseating. Apologies. I did warn you.
My apologies also to several of my fellow bloggers who I know are having an extremely tough time right now. I’m sorry I haven’t been around or commenting very much. I have been thinking of you.
Brain dump over. Normal service to resume shortly.