It’s been a weird few weeks. Hence the weird title.
How is your headspace right now?
Me, I’m not so sure. My headspace feels like it’s been on the worst kind of rollercoaster ride for the last six weeks or so. My headspace is tired. My headspace is wrecked. My headspace needs a lottery win and a month relaxing in Hawaii.
I have gone from happy, normal, day to day stuff to stressed out, STRESSED OUT, angry, frustrated, day to day stuff. We have had (survived) school summer holidays whilst both still working and juggling days off and annual leave. I’ve started a new job. It’s a lot harder than my old one. Himself has started a new job too. It’s a way away so he has to leave at 7:30am.
Despite the above I WAS feeling great. Exercising well, feeling fit, feeling strong and then…
And then it all crashed.
In my headspace.
This isn’t new. I have been here once or twice before. I at least have the comfort this time, that I didn’t have the first, that I do know there is another side. If I can just ride it out all will be normal again. I hope.
I am scared again about the most stupid things. Walking the kids to school is like a living nightmare. It really shouldn’t be. It’s about ten minutes long but the road is so busy, and we have to cross a major busy one with no crossing. And I KNOW I HAVE THEM SAFE. I know that, because I am holding on to them so tightly. But still, even with me gripping their wrists and pleading with them to concentrate, they are still having some fecking stupid argument about why Go Jetters is better than Sofia the First, or why Paw Patrol is great or not. (Not, but i don’t intervene. My psyche is fully stretched trying to get them across this bloody road alive). But in my mind I am still picturing just that one mad car, that one mad driver who could change our lives forever.
I really don’t breathe properly until I get them to school.
I’m going to skip the daytime bit because that stress is a part of what I, and all my peers, signed up to do. We do a good job. It’s not always easy, frequently difficult and emotional, often wonderful, but day to day hard.
Then it’s time to get them home, or to swimming, or karate.
Even just getting through teatime is like a UN negotiation. I’ll give in on this if you will just eat three more carrots. JUST THREE MORE CARROTS.
This is my life.
I’m lucky to have it. Even I can see the beauty in all the madness. Two annoying, but amazingly wonderful, kids. An incredibly supportive husband who dropped everything for me when my headspace imploded and who is trying, although he doesn’t think I know he’s trying, to negotiate his way and my way in putting my headspace back together with the least amount of collateral damage.
He was brutally honest.
He made me see my GP.
He helped me talk through my broken headspace when my tears wouldn’t let me speak anymore.
Then we ran the most beautiful 5K together, me with headphones in to block out the rest of the world but still seeing him pounding along by my side. Knowing he was there. And always has been. Holding me when I broke.
I’m putting my headspace back together slowly but surely thanks to him.
Exercise has also been a huge part so many thanks to my Beachbody buddies, especially Team Success, and to my very own 21 day fixers and my #fitbitchesmovement.
To my epic buggers, you know who you are too.
It’s a journey. I’m running uphill at the moment, but I haven’t given up yet.