I have thought about writing this post a lot. I have even dreamt about it. It is a huge thing for me and believe it or not I am in tears already. And I still have no idea if I will publish this or not. Maybe this one is just for me.
My beautiful, hilarious, perfect boy will be one in two weeks time. This milestone has been looming towards me with an ever increasing intensity day by day. People keep asking if we are going to have a party. Who with?
I have lost regular contact with all my friends. Much of this is my fault. We moved, I don’t drive, but someone did invent trains. Yet somehow the very thought of the journey has me awake for nights on end until I am too damn tired to go.
Thing is, my baby is one, this is meant to be a celebration. But I am falling apart. Somehow this milestone has triggered all of the anxiety, panic, sadness and self-loathing that was apparent immediately after giving birth but studiously ignored by all, me included, and buried. We hoped.
It is re-surfacing. Day by day. Some days I can’t leave the house. Others I don’t want to get out of bed. Mr B is great, and understands, I think, but won’t talk about it. He has never been able to. The birth was pretty much as traumatic for him as it was for me.
I love my husband.
I love my son.
I don’t love me too much.
I have written this privately many many times with no intent of anyone ever reading it. Mummy to Boo made me think twice. She is right. Post natal depression is so common but the stigma will only go away when we can all admit it openly. Mine has hit me late.
I’m taking one day at a time and am sure that this will fade. Mummy to Boo is doing so much to try and raise awareness of PND. Please show her some love and head on over to her site by clicking here.
Really brave of you to write this. I hope the act of writing and publishing it has had something of a cathartic effect. Everyone assumes PND only happens right after the birth but milestones like a first birthday bring up all kinds of emotions. Women have to deal with a bloody lot don’t they?! Sending you lots of hugs.
Thank you. It has helped. Though appears to have started a huge panic among friends and family. Had no idea they all actually read this! So please everyone I am ok. His birthday has just triggered some of the memories of the traumatic first few days but am sure it will fade, as it did the first time. I really appreciate the support though x
I am about to leave for work but couldn’t leave without a comment. I am sorry that you feel this way however recognising and admitting how you feel is will go a long way to helping you.
I moved away from my friends and family before my children were born and although I still feel home sick and wish I were nearer my family I am slowly beginning to feel at home here. I have made new friends, Mummy friends and these continue to grow, this has helped me no end to start to feel settled.
I never suffered from PND so have no idea how it feels, however I struggled being 400 miles away from my family and cried many days during the last 4 and a half years about it. I go through stages of feeling down, trapped and longing to move down to the South East and then sear desparation when my husband refuses to budge. We have had many arguements over this. For me I need to start thinking of the future and build my life up here in Scotland. Although this is not depression and this advice will not cure your PND try and get out to Mum and Toddler groups (sorry if you already do), it is hard when you are working however up untill recently I used to go to one on my days off. I have made lovely friends from going to these groups and I am so glad that I made the effort to go and keep if up once I returned to work.
I hope you start to feel better and I wish you a happy birthday day for your sons 1st birthday.
Thanks Emma. I need to make more effort to get out and about more. Just struggle to summon up the energy some days. Weirdly enough though have no problem going to work. It is being sociable I am struggling with.
huge (((((hugs)))) to you hun, you are over the biggest hurdle – admitting to yourself you have a label -you have PND, now go and tell the world, your health visitor and your GP and together you can start to climb the mountain that IS PND, you will then reach the pinnacle and come back down and feel normal again, what ever normal is.
Im crying for you, like so so many I have been there, I have locked myself away, I have isolated myself, and I have eventually admitted what I had and accepted help and come out the other end of the tunnel. Its not going to be easy but please please believe me when I tell you PND is not a choice you yourself make, it is an illness and like any illness it needs treating.
Please please when you are ready go and see your GP, and your HV she will know of other people in your area who have suffered and maybe can find you a buddy, 1 person who will come visit who wont judge you, or your home, or anything else. From person may lead to 2, then her going for a walk with you to the park next summer with your children..believe me by writing and publishing this post you ARE getting there.
if you need me e-mail me and I will give you a phone number, and if you ever feel like you wont to cry down the phone please dont hesitate. I dont have all the answers but have had the illness and can listen.
That’s so kind of you Elaine. Thank you x
I totally relate to this post, makes me ache inside a bit to be honest. I also wrote a post about pnd thanks to Boo and Me on my blog recently it was quite painful to look back on, infact it was painful for other half to hear too, i never gave it much thought but it affected him more than I ever knew.I dreaded my daughters first birthday, didn’t care much to be honest (i know how awful that sounds!) Nobody realises that pnd can come at anytime not just after the birth of your child and can last a long time! I’ve suffered since with anxiety which was ruining my life, if you ever wanted to talk i’d be glad to give my time 🙂 But i know what a personal journey it is and how hard it is to speak about, well done for writing this xx
Thanks Hannah. I just popped over and read yours. Made me cry. Birthdays seem to be the trigger. Am sure by next year that will have gone though. x
so brave of you to press publish. Well done you, im sure you will be glad that you did. Hugs to you and kudos for taking that first step xx
Thanks Sarah x
Broodon sends you lots of love and regards as we really feel for you after reading your blog.
It’s so brave to talk about it and raise awareness as NOONE should suffer in silence. Our advise would take one step at a time, be realistic & do little activites that aren’t too arduous but are enjoyable all the same, little things like baking a cake, going for a crispy country walk in the morning, making yourself a cup of coffee just the way you like it, calling a friend you have not spoken to in ages, little things like that. We all suffer, you are not alone, pls feel free to contact me if you want to chat? Kind regards Harriet (@Broodon)
Thank you Harriet. That sounds like good advice!
Oh man! Now I feel bad about not seeing you last week 🙁 I’m sorry, lovely, we live so close to each other and yet we’re rubbish at actually meeting up! You know you can call me ANY TIME you feel down – ANY TIME – and I will always listen to you if you need a ear to yell/sob/drunkenly whisper in. And don’t worry about W’s b’day, I was exactly the same for Moo. Just a bittersweet day. Lots of hugs X X X
Don’t be daft honey. Not your fault! And thank you x
My PND didn’t hit until around 12 months, and I didn’t realise it for what it was until 18 months. For what it’s worth, the 2 things that helped the most were
1. Talking about it with people who understood and who were outside the equation – ie. objective and non-judging. There is a PND charity where someone who has suffered and is better will phone you once a week to chat, and my counsellor was amazing
2. Talk to yourself as if you were a best friend. That is hard to do because we judge ourselves so harshly. A CBT counsellor once said to me, listen to what you’re saying about yourself. If your best friend said that you’d soon get rid of her. Be kind to yourself, take time for yourself, don’t judge yourself.
And when they hit 12 months is just about the hardest stage. You expect it to be better, and think you should be finding it easy, but it just is not easy, and anyone that says it is is kidding themselves!
You are doing great, you will get through it x
Thank you. You are right. I have just had a look through some of the stuff the health visitor gave me and there is a local support group called mothers for mothers on Thursdays. It is within walking distance. Now just need to pluck up the courage x
Thank you for posting and sharing this. This rings very true for me. I started to feel alot worse after Little A turned one. The anniversary of a traumatic birth probably wont be helping matters either – that may have dragged some stuff up too. Keep writing and taking baby steps. XXX
Thank you.
Am sorry to hear you suffered too and hope you are feeling better. The support from other mums today has been really lovely and am already beginning to feel more positive. Thanks so much for commenting x
I think it’s really good step in the right direction that you were able to post this, I think as with all types of depression, recognising it is the first step to learning to cope with it. I didn’t have PND but I have suffered wih depression in the past and it still rears its ugly head occasionally but I can just try and ignore it now until it goes away again. I was awful on Iylas first birthday though, on the verge of tears all days and all I kept doing was running through her birth and first few days at home, I am hoping I don’t do it every year or she won’t be very happy! I think it is important to make and effort to go out, I sometimes stay in he house all day and it always makes me feel worse – I think it’s great how blogging is making people aware of all these issues and how it’s okay to admit to depression and anxiety without being judged 🙂 xx
Thank you honey for commenting. And you’re right. I think blogging is good for the soul x
I hope things are looking up a bit now you’ve got it off your chest. I don’t think I suffered from PND but I was deeply affected by E’s very unpleasant birth for a long time afterwards. Don’t underestimate the impact of that as it’s completely understandable especially around W’s birthday and when you think about having other kids. x
Thank you. It’s so weird as really thought I had gotten over it but maybe not. Thanks for the text this morning though, mwah x
Well done on being brave. Big hugs. Liska xxx
Thank you x
What a post. It is great that you were able to get this out, what you have done today will go towards helping other mothers with PND feel a little less alone. Like many who have commented here, I was inspired by the great work of BooandMe and Mammasaurus, to write a piece on depression and my pregnancy fear of PND. I managed to swerve PND and for that I am eternally grateful. Not that you’re asking, but I’ll put it out there anyway… two simple pieces of advice, a. stop being so hard on yourself, b. take tiny baby steps (no pun intended) towards being rid of the PND. You will get there.
Thank you so much for commenting. It is good advice. I made it out of the house today to work. Weirdly I find this easier than going to the shops. Feel better as kept busy all day with other things to think about. The support here has been so amazing and has made me feel less lonely somehow. So thank you x
That’s wicked news! I totally know where you are coming from on the easier to go to work thing. When I had my most major bout of depression, work became my sanctuary, purely because my workload kept me so busy, I couldn’t dwell. I look forward to reading about your continuing progress – no pressure though, in your own time x
Well done you for writing this post. It’s scary to admit at first isn’t it, I was so nervous posting my first PND post. But it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Blogging has been wonderful therapy for me, it’s such a useful tool. I hope you feel better soon. Much love xxxx
Thank you honey. Hope you are getting on ok too x
Really loved reading this. So brave of you to post this, My little one has just turned one, it’s a weird weird feeling when your first year with your first has been more than a little turbulant isn’t it ? Really hope this dark time passes for you soon.
Thanks Hannah x